Sunday, October 9, 2011: I did not want to go to church. I did not want to face anybody. In a way, I feel like a got kicked in the teeth. I feel like a lesser man because my baby is not healthy. God, I want my baby girl to live so much!
We went to church anyway. The strength had to come from God, because I was struggling just to put my shoes on! Again, my only explanation comes from Paul in Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (NKJV). Once we got there, it was very apparent that we were in the right place. Our Sunday school teacher, Randy, gathered the entire class around Emily and me. They all placed their hands on us and began praying. Much to my surprise, several of the wives spoke up in prayer, mentioning their own miscarriages and infant deaths. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It is by no accident that we became members at this church! We are definitely in the right place!!
During the church service, I knew right away that I needed a box of Kleenex. Emily beat me too it, because she had already been crying. She's a girl - it's okay to cry, right? I'm a man, though - men don't cry! Especially in public!! Well, I broke all "man laws!" The first song we sang was "In the Secret" by Mercy Me. The chorus goes like this:
"I want to know you
I want to hear your voice
I want to know you more
I want to touch you
I want to see your face
I want to know you more"
While singing this song, I knew it was about Jesus. But all I could think about was Caroline Grace. I want to know her. I want to hear her voice. I want to see her face. The beauty of it all is that God knows exactly what Emily and I are going through. He lost His child too. Every day that passed by must have been so very painful for Him, because He knew that in order to conquer our sins, His Son must die FOR us! So, thinking about losing Caroline helped me understand just a little bit more of what it meant for God to send His only Son to die on the cross so that we might have everlasting life.
The end of the song says it all:
"In the secret, in the quite place
in the stillness, you are there"
I cried throughout the rest of the service as Pastor Moore preached on the "The Wife of Noble Character" from Proverbs 31. I'd like to retitle this chapter, "Emily's Proverb" because she is a rock! I'm supposed to be the leader of the family, carrying the brunt of the pain and decision making. Yet, I have been crippled by the pain and she has led me through the past couple of days. Her strength puts me to shame. I just pray that when she gets weak that I may be strong again. This is my prayer for today.