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It's a lonely Saturday night. I'm sitting here studying for my Masters degree. And all I can think about is my Caroline. I miss her.
My heart has not hurt like this in a few weeks. I thought I was having a heart attack this afternoon. I had shortness of breath, again, and I actually could not breath at all for about 5 seconds. The pain just took over and all I could do was wince in excruciating pain. I couldn't even clutch my chest for I lacked strength.
I know she is with my Jesus. But I am not. And I long to be with Him. I want to know Him more. I want to see His face. I want to behold His glory. I want to leave this world of guilt, shame, failures, pain, suffering, crying, anxiety, and the list goes on. I want to be in Heaven more than anything else.
But I have to ask myself...do I want to be in Heaven because I really do want to be with Jesus??? Or is it that I just want to be with Caroline? Am I that carnal? And I that shallow? Really??
Jesus, perfect in every way, never sinned. Yet He came to earth to die for my sins (and yours). He was punished by flogging, as soldiers repeatedly hit him with a cat-o-nine tails. Soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and crushed it into his head. Soldiers mocked him by clothing him in a purple robe and went up to him saying, "Hail, king of the Jews" as they struck him in the face. Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him. Physically exhausted and bloody from his beatings, he carried his own cross as he marched to his death. Soldiers then nailed spikes through his hands and feet and then lifted the cross for him to hang as they continued mocking him. But, before he died, his suffering continued. Soldiers took his clothes and ripped them into quarters. When he was thirsty, they gave him a sponge soaked in wine vinegar.
Despite knowing his tremendous, ultimate sacrifice, I am still missing Caroline more. I might as well be one of the soldiers who spit in Jesus' face. Yes, I am shallow. I am still angry that she is not here. I DO want to see Jesus...but I have to admit that I do not grieve for His death like I do Caroline's. At least not right now.
Several of our friends are celebrating the lives of their little ones as I write this. Others are expecting healthy babies within the next few months.
And all I can do is sulk in my sorrow, fight back tears, pound my fists in anger, and miss her like crazy. This is ALL I can do. I am powerless. No one can help me fix this. It is not fixable. There is no solution.
I want her back. I want to hold her. I want to hear her laugh. I would give anything to change a poopie diaper right now. I never thought I'd say that. I'd be ecstatic to wake up in the middle of the night just to be able to hold her and rock her back to sleep.
Dear sweet baby Caroline,
I miss you baby girl. I'm sorry I'm struggling like this. I don't want to be. I promise. I want to be strong. I want to make you proud. But I'm hurting right now. I am just happy that you are in a better place than I am!! Please tell Jesus I said, "Hey!" and that I will talk to Him later tonight. I love you so much.
GOD IS AMAZING: The love of God has been more evident to me than ever before during the past 4 months. I have done nothing -- absolutely nothing! -- to deserve the abundant grace He has provided to me. Because of His love, I have been able to get through each day. I need Him more than I need air to breathe. And He never, not once, failed me.
CAROLINE IS GONE: Today, while riding in the elevator, I was approached by a coworker who asked "how is your baby girl?" You're probably thinking, "how cruel for her to ask that!" Well, here's some background on that....I told her about Caroline at the 10 week point in our pregnancy. However, since that 10 week mark, I have changed Divisions at work. And I have not seen her or several others since that day! So, to her, nothing has changed. She meant nothing by it. She was actually very excited and eager to hear any updates I had. However....she was not prepared for me to tell her the real news. Nor was I. Her innocent question hit me like a ton of bricks. I have not been able to stop thinking about Caroline all day. All I could do was tell her that I would talk to her about it later. I had no idea what to say in an elevator speech that would capture the full story without absolutely devastating her for the rest of her day. Instead, it has been weighing on my heart ever since. What is it that makes me care for others more than myself?? Sometimes, I just wish I could be selfish and emotionally vomit on someone else and let them just deal with it! But I can't. Unfortunately for me, my heart isn't built like that.
PEACE: So, I'm stuck with a burden so heavy. And I don't have a clue what to do except to pray to my God and rely on the power of Jesus Christ to take my pain away. If He can bare the weight of the sin of the world, then I know He can also bare the weight of my pain. And for this I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. And I have peace in my heart knowing that He is holding me in the palm of His hand.
PAIN: I still miss my Caroline. I want her to be with me so bad. Emily's belly should be bursting at the seams right now. It would be a tremendous blessing if I HAD to do EVERYTHING for Emily because she was so pregnant that she couldn't move. Suffering through Caroline's loss has captivated me. Captivated me to love God with a sincere heart. Captivated me to hurt deeper. Captivated me to admire Emily more than I ever thought imaginable.
Caroline is gone. Peace is here. But the pain remains.