Monday, October 10, 2011: Today, I felt Caroline kick for the first time!! So fascinating. She is very much alive!! Our little miracle baby. Sweet Caroline Grace.
After receiving the news last week, my first thought was that I did not want to feel her kick or see Emily's belly grow or anything else that would remind us that she was alive. It absolutely killed me to think of that. In a way, I almost wanted to pretend that she didn't exist. I even thought of changing her name (so we could use it for another child) or not giving her a name at all. If she was going to die at birth, why get attached?? Can you imagine if God did that with us?? He knows we are going to sin against Him, yet he continues to love us unconditionally! Because of His love, I learned how to love my little girl. Over the course of the past several days, God has revealed to me that these are reminders that He is still in control! We decided to keep her name. She is most deserving of her name and will get the best treatment we can give her, regardless of how abbreviated her life may be. Caroline Grace is still alive because He has kept her alive and is holding her in the palm of His hand. Now, I am giddy at the thought of Emily's belly growing and feeling the next kick! I eagerly wait in anticipation for feeling my baby girl's movements. She is my pride and joy - my little Caroline.