GOD IS AMAZING: The love of God has been more evident to me than ever before during the past 4 months. I have done nothing -- absolutely nothing! -- to deserve the abundant grace He has provided to me. Because of His love, I have been able to get through each day. I need Him more than I need air to breathe. And He never, not once, failed me.
CAROLINE IS GONE: Today, while riding in the elevator, I was approached by a coworker who asked "how is your baby girl?" You're probably thinking, "how cruel for her to ask that!" Well, here's some background on that....I told her about Caroline at the 10 week point in our pregnancy. However, since that 10 week mark, I have changed Divisions at work. And I have not seen her or several others since that day! So, to her, nothing has changed. She meant nothing by it. She was actually very excited and eager to hear any updates I had. However....she was not prepared for me to tell her the real news. Nor was I. Her innocent question hit me like a ton of bricks. I have not been able to stop thinking about Caroline all day. All I could do was tell her that I would talk to her about it later. I had no idea what to say in an elevator speech that would capture the full story without absolutely devastating her for the rest of her day. Instead, it has been weighing on my heart ever since. What is it that makes me care for others more than myself?? Sometimes, I just wish I could be selfish and emotionally vomit on someone else and let them just deal with it! But I can't. Unfortunately for me, my heart isn't built like that.
PEACE: So, I'm stuck with a burden so heavy. And I don't have a clue what to do except to pray to my God and rely on the power of Jesus Christ to take my pain away. If He can bare the weight of the sin of the world, then I know He can also bare the weight of my pain. And for this I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. And I have peace in my heart knowing that He is holding me in the palm of His hand.
PAIN: I still miss my Caroline. I want her to be with me so bad. Emily's belly should be bursting at the seams right now. It would be a tremendous blessing if I HAD to do EVERYTHING for Emily because she was so pregnant that she couldn't move. Suffering through Caroline's loss has captivated me. Captivated me to love God with a sincere heart. Captivated me to hurt deeper. Captivated me to admire Emily more than I ever thought imaginable.
Caroline is gone. Peace is here. But the pain remains.