I was bragging to everybody I saw. Once we had our first sonogram picture, I carried it with me to work, church, gas station, doctor's office, grocery store...I showed EVERYBODY! I wanted the world to know I was going to be a dad!! At 18 weeks, we found out our baby was a girl!! So excited. Without hesitation, we named her Caroline Grace. Then, we called everybody to tell them! I had 18 weeks of pure bliss! My baby girl....
Then, we got the worst news I have ever received in my life:
"We are concerned about the development of your daughter's brain."
Within 24 hours of bragging to the world that we were having a baby girl, we were faced with sharing the tragic news that our baby girl would not live unless we received a miracle.
Consider this: When you ascend a mountain, you can get altitude sickness if you climb too quickly. When you scuba dive, you can get decompression sickness if you dive too quickly.
From the highest mountain peak to the deepest depths of the sea...this is the road that I traveled within that 24 hours. The human body is just not prepared for such drastic changes without feeling pain and sickness.
My heart is still broken. And will remain broken for a very long time, I'm sure. I have had chest pain, shortness of breath, and no energy. Apparently, there is a syndrome by the name of "Broken Heart." According to the Mayo Clinic, Broken Heart Syndrome occurs during times of dire stress as "a part of your heart temporarily enlarges and doesn't pump well, while the remainder of the heart functions normally or with even more forceful contractions....it's also referred to as stress cardiomyopathy, stress-induced cardiomyopathy or apical ballooning syndrome. Broken Heart Syndrome symptoms can mimic a heart attack. Common symptoms include:
- Chest pain
- Shortness of breath
- An irregular heartbeat
- A generalized weakness"
On top of my emotional pain, I was also experiencing a difficult time processing the meaning of Caroline's diagnosis. For the last 5 weeks, I have suffered through the pains of "what might have been." The many thoughts that went through my head included such horrible things like the following:
-Caroline WAS going to be our first child
-Caroline WAS going to be my mom's 3rd grandchild
-I WAS going to be a proud Dad
I felt robbed. I was even ashamed. I dreaded the questions people would ask me. How do you answer the question, "do you have any children?" All of these precious moments and special memories were ripped right out from underneath me. I have been so physically burdened that breathing has even become difficult. It is as if someone is standing on my chest, collapsing my lungs, and I have to struggle to breathe in enough oxygen.
This all changed in the past two weeks (except for the broken heart bit...I've still got that).
It was as if God hit me over the head with a 2x4 and said, "Wake up!" Then, I realized:
-I AM STILL going to be a Dad...and a very PROUD Dad at that!
No matter what the outcome is of Caroline's life, she will always be my baby girl. And I will love her just the same.
Yes, Cameron, you are going to be a Dad and your Mom will have her 3rd grandchild. When we lost Robert, we had only 2 grandchildren. Rachel (Dawn's daughter) and Robert (Richard's daughter Becky's son). Now we have 12 grandchildren, 11 are here with us on earth and 1 is in heaven with our Lord. We still have pictures of him in our home, we still think of him and he HAS NOT in anyway been forgotten. It will hurt for a while when others ask you about having children, but God gives us grace to answer, yes, and then share a small part of our story. Love, Aunt Sherie
ReplyDeleteDear Cam, You are the best dad and Caroline is my third grandchild and a little angel. She is so precious and beautiful. I have her first picture framed and hanging on the wall with the other grandkids. I love you and am so proud of you for being the right father for little Caroline.
ReplyDeleteAll My Love,
Mama
Cam:
ReplyDeleteIt's very hard I know, but try to remember that God does not work on our time frame. In the worlds' eyes, a full life is 80 years. Yes it would be great for Caroline to live on this earth 80 years. In God's eyes, the moment she was conceived, her full life will be an eternity with Him. He knew this precious childs' situation before we all did. I've always told people that my children are truly God's, and He is only loaning them out to us for awhile before they spend eternity with Him. I know your hurting and its okay. Wanting to have all those precious moments with her for a lifetime is natural. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you release her to God as His gift on a daily basis. Soon, with His help, you will be able to see that although you will not be able to experience the earthly years with her, you will be able to experience the eternal years with her. The pain is real, but it will one day be replaced with joy as you realize how indescribable it is to know her eternal well being will be wrapped in God's wonderful arms. Many parents never have that assurance about their children. I'm here for you anytime you want to talk. I leave you with these verses to encourage you. These were written by a man who lost his first born. You know him by the name of David.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps. 34:18
"As for God, His way is perfect: the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him." Ps. 18:30
"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." Ps. 40:1-3
Love,
Dad Robison
cam even though I am your aunt and much older than you I have always looked up to you as I have watched you grow up you have always done eveything the right way for that I am VERY proud to say I am your aunt,now with all the things ya'll are going through with carolina and reading yall's blogs I look up to you even more reading about your faith and standing your ground no matter what the out come may be you guys are so strong and are my heros!!! I love ALL 3 of ya'll stacey
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteKate