Thank you for reading and encouraging me as I continue to "find strength to face the day" through Jesus Christ, my Savior.
My analytics tracker for my blog this month says I have viewers from the following nations:
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Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Caroline's International Influence
This is a post to encourage any viewers from countries outside of the US to contact me. Please e-mail me at cameron.h.hayes@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you and see how my daughter has reached you and impacted foreign nations.
Thank you for reading and encouraging me as I continue to "find strength to face the day" through Jesus Christ, my Savior.
My analytics tracker for my blog this month says I have viewers from the following nations:
Thank you for reading and encouraging me as I continue to "find strength to face the day" through Jesus Christ, my Savior.
My analytics tracker for my blog this month says I have viewers from the following nations:
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Lonely Saturday Night
It's a lonely Saturday night. I'm sitting here studying for my Masters degree. And all I can think about is my Caroline. I miss her.
My heart has not hurt like this in a few weeks. I thought I was having a heart attack this afternoon. I had shortness of breath, again, and I actually could not breath at all for about 5 seconds. The pain just took over and all I could do was wince in excruciating pain. I couldn't even clutch my chest for I lacked strength.
I know she is with my Jesus. But I am not. And I long to be with Him. I want to know Him more. I want to see His face. I want to behold His glory. I want to leave this world of guilt, shame, failures, pain, suffering, crying, anxiety, and the list goes on. I want to be in Heaven more than anything else.
But I have to ask myself...do I want to be in Heaven because I really do want to be with Jesus??? Or is it that I just want to be with Caroline? Am I that carnal? And I that shallow? Really??
Jesus, perfect in every way, never sinned. Yet He came to earth to die for my sins (and yours). He was punished by flogging, as soldiers repeatedly hit him with a cat-o-nine tails. Soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and crushed it into his head. Soldiers mocked him by clothing him in a purple robe and went up to him saying, "Hail, king of the Jews" as they struck him in the face. Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him. Physically exhausted and bloody from his beatings, he carried his own cross as he marched to his death. Soldiers then nailed spikes through his hands and feet and then lifted the cross for him to hang as they continued mocking him. But, before he died, his suffering continued. Soldiers took his clothes and ripped them into quarters. When he was thirsty, they gave him a sponge soaked in wine vinegar.
Despite knowing his tremendous, ultimate sacrifice, I am still missing Caroline more. I might as well be one of the soldiers who spit in Jesus' face. Yes, I am shallow. I am still angry that she is not here. I DO want to see Jesus...but I have to admit that I do not grieve for His death like I do Caroline's. At least not right now.
Several of our friends are celebrating the lives of their little ones as I write this. Others are expecting healthy babies within the next few months.
And all I can do is sulk in my sorrow, fight back tears, pound my fists in anger, and miss her like crazy. This is ALL I can do. I am powerless. No one can help me fix this. It is not fixable. There is no solution.
I want her back. I want to hold her. I want to hear her laugh. I would give anything to change a poopie diaper right now. I never thought I'd say that. I'd be ecstatic to wake up in the middle of the night just to be able to hold her and rock her back to sleep.
Dear sweet baby Caroline,
I miss you baby girl. I'm sorry I'm struggling like this. I don't want to be. I promise. I want to be strong. I want to make you proud. But I'm hurting right now. I am just happy that you are in a better place than I am!! Please tell Jesus I said, "Hey!" and that I will talk to Him later tonight. I love you so much.
Love,
Your Daddy
My heart has not hurt like this in a few weeks. I thought I was having a heart attack this afternoon. I had shortness of breath, again, and I actually could not breath at all for about 5 seconds. The pain just took over and all I could do was wince in excruciating pain. I couldn't even clutch my chest for I lacked strength.
I know she is with my Jesus. But I am not. And I long to be with Him. I want to know Him more. I want to see His face. I want to behold His glory. I want to leave this world of guilt, shame, failures, pain, suffering, crying, anxiety, and the list goes on. I want to be in Heaven more than anything else.
But I have to ask myself...do I want to be in Heaven because I really do want to be with Jesus??? Or is it that I just want to be with Caroline? Am I that carnal? And I that shallow? Really??
Jesus, perfect in every way, never sinned. Yet He came to earth to die for my sins (and yours). He was punished by flogging, as soldiers repeatedly hit him with a cat-o-nine tails. Soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and crushed it into his head. Soldiers mocked him by clothing him in a purple robe and went up to him saying, "Hail, king of the Jews" as they struck him in the face. Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him. Physically exhausted and bloody from his beatings, he carried his own cross as he marched to his death. Soldiers then nailed spikes through his hands and feet and then lifted the cross for him to hang as they continued mocking him. But, before he died, his suffering continued. Soldiers took his clothes and ripped them into quarters. When he was thirsty, they gave him a sponge soaked in wine vinegar.
Despite knowing his tremendous, ultimate sacrifice, I am still missing Caroline more. I might as well be one of the soldiers who spit in Jesus' face. Yes, I am shallow. I am still angry that she is not here. I DO want to see Jesus...but I have to admit that I do not grieve for His death like I do Caroline's. At least not right now.
Several of our friends are celebrating the lives of their little ones as I write this. Others are expecting healthy babies within the next few months.
And all I can do is sulk in my sorrow, fight back tears, pound my fists in anger, and miss her like crazy. This is ALL I can do. I am powerless. No one can help me fix this. It is not fixable. There is no solution.
I want her back. I want to hold her. I want to hear her laugh. I would give anything to change a poopie diaper right now. I never thought I'd say that. I'd be ecstatic to wake up in the middle of the night just to be able to hold her and rock her back to sleep.
Dear sweet baby Caroline,
I miss you baby girl. I'm sorry I'm struggling like this. I don't want to be. I promise. I want to be strong. I want to make you proud. But I'm hurting right now. I am just happy that you are in a better place than I am!! Please tell Jesus I said, "Hey!" and that I will talk to Him later tonight. I love you so much.
Love,
Your Daddy
Friday, February 3, 2012
Caroline is gone. Peace is here. But the pain remains.
GOD IS AMAZING: The love of God has been more evident to me than ever before during the past 4 months. I have done nothing -- absolutely nothing! -- to deserve the abundant grace He has provided to me. Because of His love, I have been able to get through each day. I need Him more than I need air to breathe. And He never, not once, failed me.
CAROLINE IS GONE: Today, while riding in the elevator, I was approached by a coworker who asked "how is your baby girl?" You're probably thinking, "how cruel for her to ask that!" Well, here's some background on that....I told her about Caroline at the 10 week point in our pregnancy. However, since that 10 week mark, I have changed Divisions at work. And I have not seen her or several others since that day! So, to her, nothing has changed. She meant nothing by it. She was actually very excited and eager to hear any updates I had. However....she was not prepared for me to tell her the real news. Nor was I. Her innocent question hit me like a ton of bricks. I have not been able to stop thinking about Caroline all day. All I could do was tell her that I would talk to her about it later. I had no idea what to say in an elevator speech that would capture the full story without absolutely devastating her for the rest of her day. Instead, it has been weighing on my heart ever since. What is it that makes me care for others more than myself?? Sometimes, I just wish I could be selfish and emotionally vomit on someone else and let them just deal with it! But I can't. Unfortunately for me, my heart isn't built like that.
PEACE: So, I'm stuck with a burden so heavy. And I don't have a clue what to do except to pray to my God and rely on the power of Jesus Christ to take my pain away. If He can bare the weight of the sin of the world, then I know He can also bare the weight of my pain. And for this I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. And I have peace in my heart knowing that He is holding me in the palm of His hand.
PAIN: I still miss my Caroline. I want her to be with me so bad. Emily's belly should be bursting at the seams right now. It would be a tremendous blessing if I HAD to do EVERYTHING for Emily because she was so pregnant that she couldn't move. Suffering through Caroline's loss has captivated me. Captivated me to love God with a sincere heart. Captivated me to hurt deeper. Captivated me to admire Emily more than I ever thought imaginable.
Caroline is gone. Peace is here. But the pain remains.
CAROLINE IS GONE: Today, while riding in the elevator, I was approached by a coworker who asked "how is your baby girl?" You're probably thinking, "how cruel for her to ask that!" Well, here's some background on that....I told her about Caroline at the 10 week point in our pregnancy. However, since that 10 week mark, I have changed Divisions at work. And I have not seen her or several others since that day! So, to her, nothing has changed. She meant nothing by it. She was actually very excited and eager to hear any updates I had. However....she was not prepared for me to tell her the real news. Nor was I. Her innocent question hit me like a ton of bricks. I have not been able to stop thinking about Caroline all day. All I could do was tell her that I would talk to her about it later. I had no idea what to say in an elevator speech that would capture the full story without absolutely devastating her for the rest of her day. Instead, it has been weighing on my heart ever since. What is it that makes me care for others more than myself?? Sometimes, I just wish I could be selfish and emotionally vomit on someone else and let them just deal with it! But I can't. Unfortunately for me, my heart isn't built like that.
PEACE: So, I'm stuck with a burden so heavy. And I don't have a clue what to do except to pray to my God and rely on the power of Jesus Christ to take my pain away. If He can bare the weight of the sin of the world, then I know He can also bare the weight of my pain. And for this I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. And I have peace in my heart knowing that He is holding me in the palm of His hand.
PAIN: I still miss my Caroline. I want her to be with me so bad. Emily's belly should be bursting at the seams right now. It would be a tremendous blessing if I HAD to do EVERYTHING for Emily because she was so pregnant that she couldn't move. Suffering through Caroline's loss has captivated me. Captivated me to love God with a sincere heart. Captivated me to hurt deeper. Captivated me to admire Emily more than I ever thought imaginable.
Caroline is gone. Peace is here. But the pain remains.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Caroline's Funeral
Tonight, my heart is heavy but my burden is somehow light. Although I know in my heart that I am saddened by the loss of our little Caroline, God has lifted a tremendous weight off of my shoulders. There is no reason why I should feel as strong as I do right now. This has been, by far, the most burdensome event I have ever endured. Yet, in what should be my weakest moments, God has made me strong....not just strong, but stronger than I have ever been!
Instead of looking at my daughter's casket with sadness, I look at it and smile.
Instead of being ashamed that my daughter has passed before me, I am proud to have just known her.
Instead of wallowing in my pain and suffering, God has allowed me to increase my faith and strength.
I realize that this may not make any sense to anyone else. If you do not understand what I am saying, all I can leave you with is that this unbelievable turn of emotions is the ability that God has to change our lives. He is the Almighty!! He is the Redeemer of this world. And He is the Master Healer of our hearts.
God has healed my heart despite my huge loss!! And He has used Caroline in such a way to heal hundreds, if not thousands, of others' hearts. Will you let Caroline's story touch your heart, too? As her father, I can assure you that she would want you to feel the overwhelming and unconditional love that she has felt ever since her arrival in Heaven at 1:58 a.m. on December 15, 2011.
I love you, baby girl. I am so proud to be your dad! I see your name and I just smile!!! But we miss you so very much! And we'll see you in a few decades! ...what a wonderful day that will be!!
Instead of looking at my daughter's casket with sadness, I look at it and smile.
Instead of being ashamed that my daughter has passed before me, I am proud to have just known her.
Instead of wallowing in my pain and suffering, God has allowed me to increase my faith and strength.
I realize that this may not make any sense to anyone else. If you do not understand what I am saying, all I can leave you with is that this unbelievable turn of emotions is the ability that God has to change our lives. He is the Almighty!! He is the Redeemer of this world. And He is the Master Healer of our hearts.
God has healed my heart despite my huge loss!! And He has used Caroline in such a way to heal hundreds, if not thousands, of others' hearts. Will you let Caroline's story touch your heart, too? As her father, I can assure you that she would want you to feel the overwhelming and unconditional love that she has felt ever since her arrival in Heaven at 1:58 a.m. on December 15, 2011.
I love you, baby girl. I am so proud to be your dad! I see your name and I just smile!!! But we miss you so very much! And we'll see you in a few decades! ...what a wonderful day that will be!!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The Journey Continues...in Texas!
Life is full of firsts.
First car. First speeding ticket.
First girlfriend. First break up.
First job. First promotion.
First child. First death.
Yesterday, I got to ride in a hearse for the first time. I'm not sure if I should call that a privilege or not! But I can say that it was a proper ride for my little Cinderella as we escorted her to the airport cargo line. She was ridin' in style!! Only the best for my baby girl!!! As for Emily and me, however, I'm still undecided. I'd be quite alright if I never have to ride in a hearse again...at least until I'm the reason the hearse is being driven!!
We were able to coordinate flights such that Caroline was placed on the same flight as us. That was pretty special to me. I felt secure and at peace knowing that I fulfilled my Daddy duties in assuring Caroline was properly and punctually prepared for our flight. Once we arrived in Texas, we also had the privilege of driving back to the cargo area to pick her up from the airline. Finally, after dropping her off at the funeral home, we made it home for some much needed rest and quality Texas family time.
Today, we met with the funeral directors to make more plans. Caroline's funeral service is scheduled for Saturday, January 7th, 2012. Emily and I chose to bury Caroline in "Babyland." It was somewhat comforting to know she will be laid to rest with other babies who were born into Jesus's arms. However, picking out a burial plot is yet another first for me.
It was bittersweet, just like everything else we have dealt with regarding Caroline. But we have assurance that we are only burying her earthly remains...her spirit left us over two weeks ago!!
God has been ever present during this whole process. Emily and I both feel as if we have just woken up from a bad dream. What I mean is that we both feel as if no tragedy has actually occurred, relative to what we expected to feel like. We both expected to feel as if we were run over by Mack trucks and left for dead while our marriage fell apart and fizzled to an end as we knew it. In reality, what really happened, is that God has been our pilot, flying us through the most treacherous mountains and valleys we have ever seen, and Emily and I just got to enjoy the beautiful scenery. Caroline's death had extreme potential to be the ugliest event that we ever saw. However, because of our faith in Jesus and because of our conscious decision to glorify God through Caroline's life, this journey has actually been one of the most beautiful events we ever experienced. Because of Caroline, I have a stronger faith in my Lord. Because of Caroline, I love my wife more than ever!! She is a ROCK! And because of Caroline, we are inseparable!! To God be the glory, forever and ever!
Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the best gift you ever could: eternal life. Because of your sacrifice on the cross, we will see our Caroline in Heaven one day!! And thank you for also giving Emily and me the second best gift you ever could: Caroline Grace. We continue to commit our journey with Caroline to you.
First car. First speeding ticket.
First girlfriend. First break up.
First job. First promotion.
First child. First death.
Yesterday, I got to ride in a hearse for the first time. I'm not sure if I should call that a privilege or not! But I can say that it was a proper ride for my little Cinderella as we escorted her to the airport cargo line. She was ridin' in style!! Only the best for my baby girl!!! As for Emily and me, however, I'm still undecided. I'd be quite alright if I never have to ride in a hearse again...at least until I'm the reason the hearse is being driven!!
We were able to coordinate flights such that Caroline was placed on the same flight as us. That was pretty special to me. I felt secure and at peace knowing that I fulfilled my Daddy duties in assuring Caroline was properly and punctually prepared for our flight. Once we arrived in Texas, we also had the privilege of driving back to the cargo area to pick her up from the airline. Finally, after dropping her off at the funeral home, we made it home for some much needed rest and quality Texas family time.
Today, we met with the funeral directors to make more plans. Caroline's funeral service is scheduled for Saturday, January 7th, 2012. Emily and I chose to bury Caroline in "Babyland." It was somewhat comforting to know she will be laid to rest with other babies who were born into Jesus's arms. However, picking out a burial plot is yet another first for me.
 |
| The Yellow Flag Marks Caroline's Gravesite |
It was bittersweet, just like everything else we have dealt with regarding Caroline. But we have assurance that we are only burying her earthly remains...her spirit left us over two weeks ago!!
God has been ever present during this whole process. Emily and I both feel as if we have just woken up from a bad dream. What I mean is that we both feel as if no tragedy has actually occurred, relative to what we expected to feel like. We both expected to feel as if we were run over by Mack trucks and left for dead while our marriage fell apart and fizzled to an end as we knew it. In reality, what really happened, is that God has been our pilot, flying us through the most treacherous mountains and valleys we have ever seen, and Emily and I just got to enjoy the beautiful scenery. Caroline's death had extreme potential to be the ugliest event that we ever saw. However, because of our faith in Jesus and because of our conscious decision to glorify God through Caroline's life, this journey has actually been one of the most beautiful events we ever experienced. Because of Caroline, I have a stronger faith in my Lord. Because of Caroline, I love my wife more than ever!! She is a ROCK! And because of Caroline, we are inseparable!! To God be the glory, forever and ever!
Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the best gift you ever could: eternal life. Because of your sacrifice on the cross, we will see our Caroline in Heaven one day!! And thank you for also giving Emily and me the second best gift you ever could: Caroline Grace. We continue to commit our journey with Caroline to you.
Monday, December 26, 2011
God's Still Working on Me!
It's the night after Christmas. And I can't sleep.
There is pain in my heart. And joy in my soul.
I have no clue how to process these emotions.
There is a tremendous void in my life that I want to be filled by a little girl named Caroline Grace. I want to hold her more than anything right now.
The reality is that Caroline's spirit is no longer here on earth. Her spirit is now in Heaven for eternity while her earthly remains are still here on earth. But our minds naturally focus on the temporal and not the eternal. We complicated matters because we are a hedonistic culture. We want to do what feels good and run from what doesn't feel good. Choosing the difficult path is not usually our first choice or preference. We find pleasure by wallowing in our self-pity. But then, we finally wake up and realize this is not healthy! So, when we are faced with adversity, we are significantly challenged to shift gears, especially with tragedy.
One way we try shifting gears is by crying out for help.
The problem is that Satan knows this. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12). Satan knows our weakest points. Marriage and parenting are not easy to begin with...Satan knows this too. And he is trying to drive Emily and me crazy, and apart, by dealing with our loss in such a way that pokes at each of our frailties. We are not dealing with our loss in the same way. And it is far too easy for spiritual warfare to take a foothold in our marriage. Emily and I are not the first couple that Satan tried to ruin. It all began with Adam and Eve when Satan tempted them to eat fruit from the Garden!
To further complicate things for Emily and me....losing Caroline Grace has also had a significant impact on other emotional baggage we have been carrying around for years. I am confident that Satan has had a hand in this, too. For instance, my relationship with my own dad is a very sore subject. I definitely love him. I talk to him, but it is not nearly as often as it should be. I probably haven't seen him in 2 or 3 years, maybe longer. Not only is this painful, but it is also even more difficult right now because I know that I cannot call him and ask him for advice. I feel as if my back is against the wall, the world is weighing down on my shoulders, and Dad is supposed to be helping me hold up that weight. He is supposed to have all of the answers. He is supposed to help me fix my problems....but he is not here. I talked to him today for the first time in a couple of months. I was thankful for our conversation. But at the same time, it hurt to talk to him because it reminded me of all the things I need/want to ask him, but I know that I can't.
So, I have had to rely upon my Heavenly Father as a substitute for Fatherly advice. Not a bad sub if you ask me! God has provided for me in ways that I cannot even put into words. The Holy Spirit has prayed for me even when I had no clue what to pray to God for! "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26 - NIV)
God's help and his unconditional love never cease to amaze me. How in the world can I grow closer to God and love God more when I know that God is the reason that I lost my baby girl???? This does not make sense. I must be crazy, right?? Actually, I am not crazy. I only know love, because God showed me how to love. In the book of 1 John, in chapter 4, verse 19, the Bible tells us, "We love because he first loved us" (NIV). The only reason we know love is because God created love! He loves us so much and knows exactly what Emily and I are experiencing! He lost his baby boy, too! "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16 -NIV). "For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit" (1 Peter 3:18). You see....God allowed His only child to die because you and I have sinned against him. Our hedonistic culture is the reason why God lost His Son! And yet He still loves us the same!!
God meant for us to work through our struggles, even when we lose our own children, with Him at the center. He set the example for us to follow! He wants us to love each other just as He loves us. Emily and I will continue to persevere in our journey with anencephaly. It has not been a very pretty journey...but I can assure you that we will not become another statistic to fall into the category of "Couples Divorced Due to Infant Death." Instead, we will rise up because we have love each other and have hope in the Lord!! God promises us in the book of Isaiah, "those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (40:31).
You can have this same hope. If you are feeling hopeless, I know a God that can give you everything that you need! Please e-mail me if you'd like to talk about this! I cannot promise you that it will be easy. But I can guarantee you that God will never leave you or forsake you! It is because of His love that I am able to face tomorrow....I've been "facing tomorrow" with Him for 20 years now....but I am still far from perfect. I still have many flaws. But I am faithful to Him and I know His love is unconditional....and He is STILL working on me!!!
There is pain in my heart. And joy in my soul.
I have no clue how to process these emotions.
There is a tremendous void in my life that I want to be filled by a little girl named Caroline Grace. I want to hold her more than anything right now.
The reality is that Caroline's spirit is no longer here on earth. Her spirit is now in Heaven for eternity while her earthly remains are still here on earth. But our minds naturally focus on the temporal and not the eternal. We complicated matters because we are a hedonistic culture. We want to do what feels good and run from what doesn't feel good. Choosing the difficult path is not usually our first choice or preference. We find pleasure by wallowing in our self-pity. But then, we finally wake up and realize this is not healthy! So, when we are faced with adversity, we are significantly challenged to shift gears, especially with tragedy.
One way we try shifting gears is by crying out for help.
The problem is that Satan knows this. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12). Satan knows our weakest points. Marriage and parenting are not easy to begin with...Satan knows this too. And he is trying to drive Emily and me crazy, and apart, by dealing with our loss in such a way that pokes at each of our frailties. We are not dealing with our loss in the same way. And it is far too easy for spiritual warfare to take a foothold in our marriage. Emily and I are not the first couple that Satan tried to ruin. It all began with Adam and Eve when Satan tempted them to eat fruit from the Garden!
To further complicate things for Emily and me....losing Caroline Grace has also had a significant impact on other emotional baggage we have been carrying around for years. I am confident that Satan has had a hand in this, too. For instance, my relationship with my own dad is a very sore subject. I definitely love him. I talk to him, but it is not nearly as often as it should be. I probably haven't seen him in 2 or 3 years, maybe longer. Not only is this painful, but it is also even more difficult right now because I know that I cannot call him and ask him for advice. I feel as if my back is against the wall, the world is weighing down on my shoulders, and Dad is supposed to be helping me hold up that weight. He is supposed to have all of the answers. He is supposed to help me fix my problems....but he is not here. I talked to him today for the first time in a couple of months. I was thankful for our conversation. But at the same time, it hurt to talk to him because it reminded me of all the things I need/want to ask him, but I know that I can't.
So, I have had to rely upon my Heavenly Father as a substitute for Fatherly advice. Not a bad sub if you ask me! God has provided for me in ways that I cannot even put into words. The Holy Spirit has prayed for me even when I had no clue what to pray to God for! "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26 - NIV)
God's help and his unconditional love never cease to amaze me. How in the world can I grow closer to God and love God more when I know that God is the reason that I lost my baby girl???? This does not make sense. I must be crazy, right?? Actually, I am not crazy. I only know love, because God showed me how to love. In the book of 1 John, in chapter 4, verse 19, the Bible tells us, "We love because he first loved us" (NIV). The only reason we know love is because God created love! He loves us so much and knows exactly what Emily and I are experiencing! He lost his baby boy, too! "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16 -NIV). "For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit" (1 Peter 3:18). You see....God allowed His only child to die because you and I have sinned against him. Our hedonistic culture is the reason why God lost His Son! And yet He still loves us the same!!
God meant for us to work through our struggles, even when we lose our own children, with Him at the center. He set the example for us to follow! He wants us to love each other just as He loves us. Emily and I will continue to persevere in our journey with anencephaly. It has not been a very pretty journey...but I can assure you that we will not become another statistic to fall into the category of "Couples Divorced Due to Infant Death." Instead, we will rise up because we have love each other and have hope in the Lord!! God promises us in the book of Isaiah, "those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (40:31).
You can have this same hope. If you are feeling hopeless, I know a God that can give you everything that you need! Please e-mail me if you'd like to talk about this! I cannot promise you that it will be easy. But I can guarantee you that God will never leave you or forsake you! It is because of His love that I am able to face tomorrow....I've been "facing tomorrow" with Him for 20 years now....but I am still far from perfect. I still have many flaws. But I am faithful to Him and I know His love is unconditional....and He is STILL working on me!!!
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| We grieve with hope!!!! Thank you, Jesus! |
Friday, December 23, 2011
Life Insurance Policy
God is good.
Evidently, the military changed the laws regarding stillborn children and their life insurance policy. As long as your child weighs 350 grams and is born after 20 weeks, you are allowed a life insurance policy.
I never thought I would ever have to file for life insurance for one of my children. But I am thankful that it is there now that we need it.
Sigh....this part sucks.
(I feel bad for saying "God is good" and "this part sucks" at the same time. But this is how I really feel...just a mixed bag of all kinds of emotions right now.)
I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrases "Death Certificate" or "Time of Death" or "Deceased"...I'm sure there are others, but these are the most often used. Why is it that each phrase sounds like a nail being pounded into my heart?? Ugh...can't we use better words?! Why can't people say "paperwork" or "time that she passed away"?! Everything has to be so clerical, stiff, and void of emotion. Well, I am NOT void of emotion! It is days like this that I wish I COULD BE void of emotion.
So, like many days like today, I go to a song for help!
"Homesick" by Mercy Me
"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now"
Evidently, the military changed the laws regarding stillborn children and their life insurance policy. As long as your child weighs 350 grams and is born after 20 weeks, you are allowed a life insurance policy.
I never thought I would ever have to file for life insurance for one of my children. But I am thankful that it is there now that we need it.
Sigh....this part sucks.
(I feel bad for saying "God is good" and "this part sucks" at the same time. But this is how I really feel...just a mixed bag of all kinds of emotions right now.)
I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrases "Death Certificate" or "Time of Death" or "Deceased"...I'm sure there are others, but these are the most often used. Why is it that each phrase sounds like a nail being pounded into my heart?? Ugh...can't we use better words?! Why can't people say "paperwork" or "time that she passed away"?! Everything has to be so clerical, stiff, and void of emotion. Well, I am NOT void of emotion! It is days like this that I wish I COULD BE void of emotion.
So, like many days like today, I go to a song for help!
"Homesick" by Mercy Me
"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now"
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