Caroline's Funeral

Tonight, my heart is heavy but my burden is somehow light.  Although I know in my heart that I am saddened by the loss of our little Caroline, God has lifted a tremendous weight off of my shoulders.  There is no reason why I should feel as strong as I do right now.  This has been, by far, the most burdensome event I have ever endured.  Yet, in what should be my weakest moments, God has made me strong....not just strong, but stronger than I have ever been!

Instead of looking at my daughter's casket with sadness, I look at it and smile.
Instead of being ashamed that my daughter has passed before me, I am proud to have just known her.
Instead of wallowing in my pain and suffering, God has allowed me to increase my faith and strength.

I realize that this may not make any sense to anyone else.  If you do not understand what I am saying, all I can leave you with is that this unbelievable turn of emotions is the ability that God has to change our lives.  He is the Almighty!!  He is the Redeemer of this world.  And He is the Master Healer of our hearts. 

God has healed my heart despite my huge loss!!  And He has used Caroline in such a way to heal hundreds, if not thousands, of others' hearts.  Will you let Caroline's story touch your heart, too?  As her father, I can assure you that she would want you to feel the overwhelming and unconditional love that she has felt ever since her arrival in Heaven at 1:58 a.m. on December 15, 2011.

I love you, baby girl.  I am so proud to be your dad!  I see your name and I just smile!!!  But we miss you so very much!  And we'll see you in a few decades!  ...what a wonderful day that will be!!

The Journey Continues...in Texas!

Life is full of firsts. 

First car.  First speeding ticket. 
First girlfriend.  First break up.
First job.  First promotion. 
First child.  First death.

Yesterday, I got to ride in a hearse for the first time.  I'm not sure if I should call that a privilege or not!  But I can say that it was a proper ride for my little Cinderella as we escorted her to the airport cargo line.  She was ridin' in style!!  Only the best for my baby girl!!!  As for Emily and me, however, I'm still undecided.  I'd be quite alright if I never have to ride in a hearse again...at least until I'm the reason the hearse is being driven!!

We were able to coordinate flights such that Caroline was placed on the same flight as us.  That was pretty special to me.  I felt secure and at peace knowing that I fulfilled my Daddy duties in assuring Caroline was properly and punctually prepared for our flight.  Once we arrived in Texas, we also had the privilege of driving back to the cargo area to pick her up from the airline.  Finally, after dropping her off at the funeral home, we made it home for some much needed rest and quality Texas family time.

Today, we met with the funeral directors to make more plans.  Caroline's funeral service is scheduled for Saturday, January 7th, 2012.  Emily and I chose to bury Caroline in "Babyland."  It was somewhat comforting to know she will be laid to rest with other babies who were born into Jesus's arms.  However, picking out a burial plot is yet another first for me. 

The Yellow Flag Marks Caroline's Gravesite

It was bittersweet, just like everything else we have dealt with regarding Caroline.  But we have assurance that we are only burying her earthly remains...her spirit left us over two weeks ago!! 

God has been ever present during this whole process.  Emily and I both feel as if we have just woken up from a bad dream.  What I mean is that we both feel as if no tragedy has actually occurred, relative to what we expected to feel like.  We both expected to feel as if we were run over by Mack trucks and left for dead while our marriage fell apart and fizzled to an end as we knew it.  In reality, what really happened, is that God has been our pilot, flying us through the most treacherous mountains and valleys we have ever seen, and Emily and I just got to enjoy the beautiful scenery.  Caroline's death had extreme potential to be the ugliest event that we ever saw.  However, because of our faith in Jesus and because of our conscious decision to glorify God through Caroline's life, this journey has actually been one of the most beautiful events we ever experienced.  Because of Caroline, I have a stronger faith in my Lord.  Because of Caroline, I love my wife more than ever!!  She is a ROCK!  And because of Caroline, we are inseparable!!  To God be the glory, forever and ever! 

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the best gift you ever could:  eternal life.  Because of your sacrifice on the cross, we will see our Caroline in Heaven one day!!  And thank you for also giving Emily and me the second best gift you ever could:  Caroline Grace.  We continue to commit our journey with Caroline to you. 

God's Still Working on Me!

It's the night after Christmas.  And I can't sleep. 

There is pain in my heart.  And joy in my soul. 

I have no clue how to process these emotions. 

There is a tremendous void in my life that I want to be filled by a little girl named Caroline Grace.  I want to hold her more than anything right now.

The reality is that Caroline's spirit is no longer here on earth.  Her spirit is now in Heaven for eternity while her earthly remains are still here on earth.  But our minds naturally focus on the temporal and not the eternal.  We complicated matters because we are a hedonistic culture.  We want to do what feels good and run from what doesn't feel good.  Choosing the difficult path is not usually our first choice or preference.  We find pleasure by wallowing in our self-pity.  But then, we finally wake up and realize this is not healthy!  So, when we are faced with adversity, we are significantly challenged to shift gears, especially with tragedy. 
One way we try shifting gears is by crying out for help.  

The problem is that Satan knows this.  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the  heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12).  Satan knows our weakest points.  Marriage and parenting are not easy to begin with...Satan knows this too.  And he is trying to drive Emily and me crazy, and apart, by dealing with our loss in such a way that pokes at each of our frailties.  We are not dealing with our loss in the same way.  And it is far too easy for spiritual warfare to take a foothold in our marriage.  Emily and I are not the first couple that Satan tried to ruin.  It all began with Adam and Eve when Satan tempted them to eat fruit from the Garden! 

To further complicate things for Emily and me....losing Caroline Grace has also had a significant impact on other emotional baggage we have been carrying around for years.  I am confident that Satan has had a hand in this, too.  For instance, my relationship with my own dad is a very sore subject.  I definitely love him.  I talk to him, but it is not nearly as often as it should be.  I probably haven't seen him in 2 or 3 years, maybe longer.  Not only is this painful, but it is also even more difficult right now because I know that I cannot call him and ask him for advice.  I feel as if my back is against the wall, the world is weighing down on my shoulders, and Dad is supposed to be helping me hold up that weight.  He is supposed to have all of the answers.  He is supposed to help me fix my problems....but he is not here.  I talked to him today for the first time in a couple of months.  I was thankful for our conversation.  But at the same time, it hurt to talk to him because it reminded me of all the things I need/want to ask him, but I know that I can't.

So, I have had to rely upon my Heavenly Father as a substitute for Fatherly advice.  Not a bad sub if you ask me!  God has provided for me in ways that I cannot even put into words.  The Holy Spirit has prayed for me even when I had no clue what to pray to God for!  "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."  (Romans 8:26 - NIV)

God's help and his unconditional love never cease to amaze me.  How in the world can I grow closer to God and love God more when I know that God is the reason that I lost my baby girl????  This does not make sense.  I must be crazy, right??  Actually, I am not crazy.  I only know love, because God showed me how to love.  In the book of 1 John, in chapter 4, verse 19, the Bible tells us, "We love because he first loved us" (NIV).  The only reason we know love is because God created love!  He loves us so much and knows exactly what Emily and I are experiencing!  He lost his baby boy, too!  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16 -NIV).  "For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit" (1 Peter 3:18).  You see....God allowed His only child to die because you and I have sinned against him.  Our hedonistic culture is the reason why God lost His Son!  And yet He still loves us the same!!  

God meant for us to work through our struggles, even when we lose our own children, with Him at the center.  He set the example for us to follow!  He wants us to love each other just as He loves us.  Emily and I will continue to persevere in our journey with anencephaly.  It has not been a very pretty journey...but I can assure you that we will not become another statistic to fall into the category of "Couples Divorced Due to Infant Death."  Instead, we will rise up because we have love each other and have hope in the Lord!!  God promises us in the book of Isaiah, "those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (40:31).

You can have this same hope.  If you are feeling hopeless, I know a God that can give you everything that you need!   Please e-mail me if you'd like to talk about this!  I cannot promise you that it will be easy.  But I can guarantee you that God will never leave you or forsake you!  It is because of His love that I am able to face tomorrow....I've been "facing tomorrow" with Him for 20 years now....but I am still far from perfect.  I still have many flaws.  But I am faithful to Him and I know His love is unconditional....and He is STILL working on me!!!

We grieve with hope!!!!  Thank you, Jesus!

Life Insurance Policy

God is good.

Evidently, the military changed the laws regarding stillborn children and their life insurance policy.  As long as your child weighs 350 grams and is born after 20 weeks, you are allowed a life insurance policy.

I never thought I would ever have to file for life insurance for one of my children.  But I am thankful that it is there now that we need it. 

Sigh....this part sucks.

(I feel bad for saying "God is good" and "this part sucks" at the same time.  But this is how I really feel...just a mixed bag of all kinds of emotions right now.)

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrases "Death Certificate" or "Time of Death" or "Deceased"...I'm sure there are others, but these are the most often used.  Why is it that each phrase sounds like a nail being pounded into my heart??  Ugh...can't we use better words?!  Why can't people say "paperwork" or "time that she passed away"?!  Everything has to be so clerical, stiff, and void of emotion.  Well, I am NOT void of emotion!  It is days like this that I wish I COULD BE void of emotion. 

So, like many days like today, I go to a song for help!

"Homesick" by Mercy Me

"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now"

We saw Caroline again, today.

Wednesday, December 21st, 2011.  The Funeral Director met us at our house.  He showed us Caroline's baby casket.  It's pearly white and teeny tiny.  And the casket cover has a cross with a ray of light shining from behind the cross.

He discussed a lot of the details regarding arrangements and paperwork.  Then, we took a ride to the hospital to transfer care from the hospital to the funeral home.

This was not my favorite part of the journey, to say the least.


Then, today...Thursday, December 22nd, 2011...we met our Funeral Director at the Funeral Home.  And we had the privilege of identifying Caroline's earthly remains.  We did not want to taint our good memories of her that we had from her birthday.  So, we weren't sure if we wanted to see her this way today.  I knew I could handle it better than Emily if Caroline did not look the same.  And we were unsure how Emily would react.  So, I walked to the casket first to check out things.  And once I saw that she still looked like our little Caroline, I assured Emily that it was safe for her to look, too.  She came to meet me at Caroline's casket and we both rejoiced that she is in Heaven and our hearts cried that we cannot hold her anymore.  We were pleasantly surprised, even impressed, at how well Caroline was preserved and cared for in the last week.  And we also received her death certificate.  However, this too, was not my favorite part of the journey.

We have even more difficult days ahead.

But God has continued to shower us with His grace while we deal with losing Caroline Grace.  Our friends, church, and families have been so supportive.  So far this week, our church has fed us every night!  We have had roasted chicken, Chili's take-out, Chicken Caesar salad, Beef Barley soup, and baked ham.  Yummm!!!  We are running out of room in our fridge for left overs!  And I'm running out of places to put flower pots!  These are good problems to have!

Tomorrow, I have to file for Caroline's life insurance policy.  And Emily and I will be making more decisions for which songs, scriptures, and prayers we want to use for Caroline's Memorial Service.


The Memorial Service will be held at 7 p.m. on December 29, 2011, at the following address:
Weems Creek Church
600 N. Bestgate Rd.
Annapolis, MD 21401


All are welcome to attend!  Please join us as we celebrate our Caroline's eternity!!

Probably the Largest Group EVER allowed in a delivery room!!

(Taken by "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" Photographer David Hartcorn)

(Taken by "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" Photographer David Hartcorn)

(Taken by "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" Photographer David Hartcorn)

(Taken by "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" Photographer David Hartcorn)

Our Caroline Bunny

Now that Caroline is in Heaven, we are left here on earth dealing with our loss.

Emily's dad had a few memorable quotes this past week.  First, he said, "she got the easy way out!  She's in Heaven while we're still here!"  And then he said, "it is our role as parents to share the gospel with our children.  We are responsible for loving them and teaching them Christ's love so that they will have eternal life.  And on day one of your parenthood, you already have a child in Heaven!!  You can't get any better than that!"

We are absolutely at peace knowing that our baby girl is walking with Jesus in Heaven.  That's the easy part!  The difficult part is dealing with her loss while we are still on earth.  Not having her to hold is still painful.


Yesterday, Emily's aunt and uncle sent us a stuffed animal in the mail.  It is a pure white bunny and has "Caroline" embroidered in pink on its ear.

It may sound silly, but ever since we got it in the mail, Emily and I have taken turns holding our Caroline bunny.

My Role as a Daddy

Ever since Caroline's diagnosis, I have struggled with what my role is as a Dad.  Because she was in the womb, I could not hold her.  And I could not do anything to fix her.  I felt helpless and lacked purpose.  It became even more painful because she is our first child.  I do not have any other children (yet!) that I can hold tighter or love harder.  (This just means that our next kid is in trouble already!!  They won't know what hit 'em, because we are going to love them beyond all understanding!) 

I had no problem knowing what to do as a husband.  And I feel very prepared for being a Dad to a child that lives here on earth.  However, I have this huge void in my heart that cannot be filled by being Caroline's daddy here on earth. How do I process these emotions?  What do I do?  Hmmm...

While Caroline was with us, Emily carried Caroline for 7 months.  For the last two months, I had to fight myself to get out of bed in the mornings and leave Emily and Caroline so that I could go to work.  Leaving Emily and Caroline was so hard for me.  Each day, I thought, "maybe I could just stay home today!  And just not go to work."  This went on for about 2 months.  But even though I went to work, I was late almost every day for those two months!!

While I was at work, Emily had the privilege of spending that Mommy-daughter time with Caroline.  I thought this was would actually make it harder for Emily.  However, through God's grace, Emily embraced this time with Caroline and made special memories with her.  We kept praying for a healing miracle, but we also knew God's plan was perfect and He may not give us THAT miracle, but give us another miracle.  Feeling her kick (which was awesome by the way!), feeling her stretch, talking to her, playing music to her, reading with her...just a few of the things Emily was able to enjoy with our little angel.   I had the joy of doing a few of these things too, but I just wasn't connected to Caroline the way a mother is during pregnancy.  Some days, I just felt left out.

It was very painful for me, thinking that I would not get a chance to carry her while she was alive (unless we received a miracle and she WAS born alive).  Well, I never got to hold her alive.  And I never got to provide for her like Daddy's do for their children.  But that's okay.  Because I can provide for her now.

In the next few days, I have the privilege of calling multiple pastors and multiple funeral homes and arranging plans to celebrate her life.  Some may think this is a huge burden.  I know.  That is how I felt at first.  But when I got to really thinking about it, I realized that this is my role as her Daddy.  I was not able to carry her alive, but I can honor her by providing the proper arrangements so that her life is celebrated in a beautiful ceremony (or two!).

So, the arrangements will be as follows:
-One service in Maryland
-One service in Texas
-One reception in South Carolina

Being a military family, we have moved around quite a bit.  Emily is from Texas.  I am from South Carolina.  We live in Maryland (for now).  And this complicates things because we want to lay Caroline to rest in Texas.  So, things have to happen between now and Texas in order to fully complete the closure process.  First, we have to transfer Caroline from the hospital morgue to the local funeral home.  We will have a memorial service for Caroline on December 29th, but her casket will not be at the service.  We made this decision because this service is meant to honor her time here on earth and celebrate her eternal life with Jesus in Heaven.  We feel that if we have the casket at the service, the focal point will be her earthly remains.  And the reality is that, though her body is still in the casket, she is not here anymore.  She is in Heaven.  Her body is just a shell that her soul lived in while she was in the womb.  As for the service in Texas, her casket will be there, but this is for obvious reasons.  It will be our intention to still focus on celebrating her eternal life.  We will also visit with our friends and Emily's family for quality time and closure.  Then the reception in South Carolina will also be to visit my family for quality time and closure for all.

I embrace all of these things, despite how emotionally charged they may be, as my role as Caroline's Daddy.  She is my little girl and I will do whatever I can to protect her and lay her peacefully to rest.

I love you, Caroline!  Please tell Jesus we love Him and we will all see Him soon!!  You are so precious to us. 
"I thank my God every time I remember you."  -Philippians 1:3